The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.
-Jimi Hendrix
MLB <3
I’ve done my best to stay strong this past year and not let the fact that you are gone get the best of me. But, the fact is that not a day goes by that I don’t miss you or think about you. They say that as time goes on that it gets easier but that is not true by any means. Today was one of the hardest since the accident. I literally cried for almost three hours. I made so many phone calls trying to seek comfort but no one I got up with quite understood what I was going through. I was to told “not think about it.” or “think about the happy times.” or “just ignore it.” Truth is, none of that does or will ever work. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to suppress those memories, they always reach surface. Even the happy thoughts don’t help. Actually they make the crying worse simply because I will never get the chance to make any more memories like those with you.
I cannot believe that it has almost been a year. Even worse, I also cannot believe that it is only 32 day until you’re birthday and you will not be here to celebrate it with us all. That day, im sure will be one of the hardest days that I will ever experience. Even though you are here with us all in spirit I still have issues grasping the fact that you are gone. Like I have said hundreds of times, I am still waiting to hear your laugh and you walk through the door again. I miss you so much and I am dying to see you again. I know that you are much happier in heaven but I want so badly for you to be here instead. I know that is selfish of me but I can’t help it.
What brings me to this post is the party that I was at tonight. It was going great. I was there with all of my friends having a good time until I literally ran into your twin. She looked exactly like you. Blonde hair on top with brown underneath. Four foot tall. Tiny. Itty bitty shorts. Huge hoodie that obviously wasn’t her’s. And of course, that God forsaken caked on makeup. That was you. Up and down. Every single time I saw her, I broke down in tears. When I got there, I held back the tears for a good three minutes but after that.. it was over. Every memory came rushing at me like a freight train.
Ducks, ducks, and more.. ducks.
“There’s a pendulum swinging in my heart tonight; back and forth, keeping score. Should I love him or leave him? I can’t decide; tell me which is wrong, which is right? Was it perfect? Is it faded? Is it worth it? Is it breaking? How much longer can I wonder if he’s the one or if this is done? I can’t stop this pendulum…”
It always feels like there’s a catch. Things are going so great and then, BAM. It hits you like a ton of bricks and everything falls apart once again. I don’t understand why everything cannot be simple. Black and white. You like me. I like you. Lets be happy, ya know? But it can’t be like that, never is and never will. There will always be that curve ball to win the game. Bad part about it is, that one curve ball is like your third strike in the bottom of the ninth inning. So what do you do? Move on like it never happened, like that one person never meant anything to you? Sounds simple but we all know well enough that it’s not. We all wish we could just walk away and leave it all behind. But it just doesn’t work that way. That person takes a small piece of you every day until they’ve taken all that they can. Sometimes it feels like they have taken everything possible and you’re left with a gaping hole in your heart. Unlike when we were little, bandaid can’t fix a broken heart. Nothing ever really can. That person will always have a place in your heart.. a hole that probably won’t ever be filled again. So we get stronger. Day by day. No, it doesn’t get any easier and we still think about them constantly. But we do get stronger. The memories don’t effect us nearly as much as they once did because we’ve learned how to deal with it. Its like an antibody fighting bacteria in our bodies. We adapt new ways of dealing with those memories and the things that make us think of that person. For me, my bacteria is ducks and I need that antibody pronto. What’s yours?
day six.
a letter to your ex. muahhahah. i’ve waited for this since the challenge started ;)
Dear you.
I would love to sit here and say that our relationship was perfect, that you were perfect and that I couldn’t ask for anything better, but who are we kidding? Lets be honest, after all that is the whole point of this right? I will say that I was pretty happy when everything started and I did think you were perfect and that I couldn’t ask for anything better. You definitely proved me wrong though. I’d say the last eight months of our relationship was nothing but a lie. Yeah, that pretty much covers it. You didn’t do anything but cause me pain and waste my time, not to mention that apparently I was sharing you with how many others girls? To save you the humiliation, we won’t go there. I should have listened to my head and all my friends the first time they said I needed to end it. But I was dumb and let it go on. I can promise you one thing though, it wont ever happen again. I’m never going to waste my time on another guy that cheats, especially as much as you did. I won’t waste my time on a lie and I sure as hell won’t waste any more tears. I’m done crying over selfish assholes like you that think with the wrong head. Yes, I did just go there. And we can also thank you for the fact that the only person I can trust to this day is myself. So, you can stop stalking me because I know you still do. You can stop calling me because I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You can stop threatening me and sending me picture because I’m done with your bullshit and I’m not scared of you. You can stop texting me because if you cant take a hint from the fact that I never text you back.. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOUUUU. So, this is it. I’m done with you. As far as I’m concerned you don’t exist. You alone screwed up our relationship and its your fault I hate you. And after you’re done reading this I’d appreciate it if you wouldnt call me crying like usual.
SIncerely,
the best thing that ever happened to you.
p.s. next time we see each other, don’t make a status about me. seriously? thats creepy.
day five.
a letter to my dreams..
So im pretty sure this is supposed to be about my dreams as in my life goals and aspirations. But lately I’ve been having some strange dreams so instead, I’ll write a letter to them.
Dear dreams,
Lately you’ve been creeping me out a bit. It would help if I didn’t forget everything the next morning. See, when i tell people about the weird things I’ve dreamed about, it would be nice if I could tell them the whole story instead of only half and getting the typical “wtf” response. So yeah, lets try to make it a little more memorable aye? Also the people that appear in my dreams.. that alone is pretty strange. They are the most random appearances to say the least. And there’s this one person that pops up all the time, like at least once a week. Are you trying to tell me something? Is it one of those things like if you dream youre pregnant one of your friends will die in reality? I certainly hope that’s not the case because I would really hate for something to happen and this person not be a part of my life anymore. But other than that, youre pretty great. Keep the dreams cominggg ;)
Sincerely, confused.
day four.
A letter to your sibling.
Dear Taylor,
You are absolutely beautiful and are growing way too fast. It is hard to believe that you are already six years old. Before I know it, everyone will be talking about you being grown up and in college. You are the most enthusiastic six year old I have ever seen and I have a feeling you’re going to do big things. I’ve never had anyone look up to me like you do, but hey, you are pretty much a mini me. You are absolutely precious and I cannot wait to see what you do in the future. I love you so much and I hate that I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I would like. But, hopefully I can take you places this summer and spend time with you like a real sister should.
My new obsession.. Mumford & Sons.
“But tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart..”
day three.
a letter to my parents.
Dear mom,
You are by far the best mother any girl could ask for. I couldn’t count the number of times you have gone completely out of your way to do something for me. You never fail to be right there anytime I need you. I do not know anyone else who would bring me lunch, homework, cheerleading uniforms ect with an hours notice. I cannot thank you enough for all the things you do for me each and every day. You have been there for me through thick and thin. I know we do not always get along like we should but I know how much you love and care for me. Those things overshadow any pity argument we ever have or will be in. I know I’ve disappointed you a time or two, but know that I love you and I thank you for never leaving my side no matter what I have done. I love you more than words can explain and I do not know where I would be today if it were not for you. I am lucky to have the privilege to call you my mother. I cherish all the memories we have together. I miss you so much since I’ve been away at school. I miss watching tv with you at night, lunch dates during days when I didn’t have school, and most of all going to games with you.
Love,
forever and always your little girl <3
